I dunno if anyone still reads this damn thing.

As much as I didnt want to, I got sucked into myspace a while back and my xanga has sorta fallen into disrepair. I just dont care so much anymore.

Im on myspace a lot though.

Direct your inquiries there...

http://www.myspace.com/gothiclotus

<3 Sara

Currently Listening Shadows Are Security By As I Lay Dying see related

When kittens attack (part 1)

I got attacted by a kitten last night at work. Yes, I know you are all thinking kittens are cute and dont attack people. Well, when they are feral and not used to being handled, they do attack! They leave little punture marks in your palms, slash your wrists up so that you look like a cutter, and slice you open in that right nice little piece of skin between two of your fingers. Having that split is quite the sensation let me tell you. Every time you move your hand it stings like hell and you burst forth a fun little mix of expletives when anything like water touches it. Goddamn kitten... Fucker.

I also had the magnificent joy of going to the Kent County Animal Shelter while on the clock yesterday. Alicia requested that I drive there in one of the Humane Society vehicles to pick up a dog. The dog was adopted from us and brought there shortly after. When you adopt an animal from us you sign a form saying that if you do not want to keep the animal that you will return it to us, not the KCAS. Well, whoever adopted this dog must have just signed the form and not really read it. So I drove there to get the doggy and while I was waiting for them to get it ready to go I took a peek at their facilities. What a bad idea. Government run facility = BADNESS. The kennels were hardly large enough for the animals to turn around in. They were dirty, they didnt have their own beds and blankets and toys. They were much more like prison cells than dog kennels. I quickly gathered the dog that I came to collect and got away from there as fast as possible. Then I got to contend with freeway traffic in one lane during construction. Dont forgot it was fucking HOT outside yesterday and I was in a crappy station wagon with no AC. I think that by the time the dog and I arrived at the Kent County Humane Society we were both grateful to be "home." Sadie got a kennel that she could actually move around in, a comfy bed full of blankies, and toys of her own. I got to eat lunch in a nice cool room away from the one lane freeway traffic.

School is almost done and thats great. I will be getting lots more hours at the HS which in turn means more $. I am going to start saving as much money as possible for a new car. Getting a new car is one of my most immediate goals at the present time. There is one other goal which is much more pressing and desirable than the car but it wont be talked about here.

And with that, I leave you... I have an appointment to be getting to.

Today made me cry.

This is emotional (and long!)... You have been warned...

I am miserable.

You can think that I am over-reacting or being overly emotional all you like but I dont care.

Today is one of several days in my life when I feel as if I have lost a part of my heart. There are parts of my heart that have gone already that will never return. Theres no such thing as a time machine.

When I get to work, the first thing I do after I punch in is go and see my cuddle buddy, Howie.

Today, I went to see him as usual and saw a new sign hanging from his kennel door. The sign that I have been dreading seeing... The "Ive been adopted! Please visit my other four-legged friends!" sign. My heart sank lower than the level that my spirits were already at.

I went into his kennel with him and sat and petted him. I cuddled him good and hard because I didnt know if it would be the last time I would see him. Then I went about my work, doing the things that needed to be done. Sometime in the afternoon I walked by his kennel on my way to do something else and noticed that he was not there. I looked out into the runs to see if he was outside and found him in the last run with a mother and her four kids. I went out and asked if they were the lucky people who were going to be taking Howie home with them. She said yes and I asked if I could come in and be with him for a bit before they left so I could say goodbye. He climbed into my lap and gave me puppy kisses. After a while we went inside so that she could fill out the paperwork and the front desk could make an announcement to the rest of the staff and volunteers saying that Howie was going home. For over seven months, Howie was the dog that everyone looking for a new pet would walk right past, overlook. No one wanted him.

I know that I should not become attached to an animal that is not mine and is likely to not be around for long anyhow. I know that I should not fall in love with a furry critter at work because at this point in time, the story wont ever end how I may like it to. Howie was one of few dogs that I have allowed myself to bond with in such a way. He had a big giant cone around his neck when I first met him and I soon discovered what a charming personality he had. He was just a loveable dog and I couldnt help it.

I saw him walk out the door with his new family. Angry and upset. I know that Howie was not mine but it certainly feels like something is yours when you love it. And it hurts when that something is taken away from you. I am thankful that it somehow worked out that today was the day that Howie left because I always work on Wednesdays. At least I had the chance to say goodbye to him. I would have been devastated if I had come in to work one day and had him not be there or worse yet, found a different dog in his place. I am also thankful, if not slightly resentful, that Howie will have a home and a family. He does not deserve to be locked in a kennel. I am sure that things will work out for the best. Eventually, I will fall in love with some other critter. Ill probably put the one picture I have of Howie in my locker. Its not the end of the world but it breaks me up inside anyhow.

The past few days and the things that happened today before I ever got to work and Howie leaving all combined when he walked out through the doors into burning tears welling up inside my eyes. I hate crying. I hate to cry. I hate when people see me cry. But the weight of everything that has been bothering me hit me when my favorite doggy walked out today. A few tears slid down my cheeks. Just enough to stop the choking sensation in my throat and the burning in my eyes. Not enough to make me feel any better about any of the many things that are wrong. Just enough to make the physically, if not the emotionally, painful feelings stop.

Even if nothing bad had happened before Howie left today I would still have cried at least a few tears. You may not understand or agree, but I loved that dog. He was important to me and I would have been extremely saddened by his departure on a good day just as much as on a bad day. It just so happened that today I was already having a lousy day, I was already stressed and sad. He was the catalyst for tears about him and everything else.

Im sure you are bored to death if you have even made it this far. Im sorry. Im feeling rather emotional at the present moment. It may seem like this whole post is just me whining about a dog but understand that there is more to it than that... Im just simply leaving out the rest because I dont want to talk about it. Im hoping that something heartfelt will be more meaningful than me rattling off all the things that went wrong today, or reasons why I am unhappy. I am unGodly tired right now. Physically, emotionally, and dare I say spiritually. I am exhausted. Enough, enough...

ps- someone that i work with is leaving because her job takes too much out of her. she told me that too much of her heart and soul are being put into the kennel and the organization and that she doesnt have enough left over for her own pets, or the people in her life that she loves. i didnt think that this job would be as hard as it really is. i understand what she means. howie took a piece of my heart with him when he left. its a difficult job, but someones gotta do it. i love it there, even though it may hurt. love hurts sometimes.

Currently Watching V for Vendetta see related

Went to see V for Vendetta last night. It was excellent. Go fucking see it.

I work tonight and I want to quit. But I have the feeling that I wont tell them so.

Crying in the car, or crying myself to sleep is becoming routine.

Sometimes it just feels like your life is falling apart and slipping through your hands.